I am sorry to that your parents passed so long ago, from what you describe of your dad you deserved many more years with him, and he with you. I say that because at 58 I have a daughter 22 who is taxing down the runway to soar away. As a dad, it's gratifying to know that all those times I needed to be law giver and not the friend have shaped a family that has many strengths.
Regarding the trend of women who deride the fathers as too dominating, my father is bellicose, indomitable, argumentative. And it made my sister all the stronger. His strong personality shaped her into someone who fears no stern rebuke. I think dads are too worried about "being harsh" and that prevents them from "tempering the steel" in their children. But in the end when your eagles soar, you know you have done your job.
Thank you Helen for the stories, true or not or somewhere in between. They made me giggle.
My husband and his mates spent an entire party renaming his host's cattle dog from 'Tats' to 'Tits' in their misspent youth, and it apparently stuck so well that the dog spent the rest of its life called 'Tits'.
If a father doesn't teach his children to contend with the world as it is, not as we could wish it to be, the world as it is will and it will be rough. Your father might not have got ladders right, but he got the most important thing right.
"A girlchild obsessed with cricket statistics who played chess and built scale models from Meccano was never going to be straight. "
You have lived your life, and there is nobody else as qualified as you to comment on your life.
Interestingly, though, the ones I knew tended to wind up bi (frequently) or straight, with nerdy boyfriends. In my experience getting into 'nerd' stuff was a pretty effective way for a less-cute girl to get a guy. So the transistor lesbian may now be vastly outnumbered by the gamer girl.
"In this, my experience repeated a pattern I’ve often seen, one where the gay kid’s opposite-sex parent is more accommodating. This is, I think, because a straight man understands what makes women attractive while a straight woman understands what makes men attractive. The same-sex parent, meanwhile, is baffled. My mother was upset about an absence of grandchildren; there were tears. My father told her there would be novels, or a cure for cancer, or bridges, or a gold medal."
I don't know if it's about attraction necessarily; a masculine girl or feminine boy will have more in common with their opposite-sex parent in many cases. Here in the USA there's a hardcore Christian contingent that I think requires men to fulfill the whole stereotype and expect their families to as well, and prevents supportive experiences like you had. Thus, while you have lots of gay men who love their moms, in the media you have lots of angry lesbians (and straight women!) who hate their dads. Also, there seems to be a lot of sexual abuse in the USA (why?), and in that case of course you may well wind up hating the opposite sex even if you don't have an ideology telling you you're supposed to.
Or maybe it's the general anti-intellectualism of the USA? Every artist seems to have resentment against their dad for not respecting their artistic ambitions (and honestly the arts are a terrible way to make a living).
I'm sorry for your loss. At least it sounds like you had some good times together.
“The problem, of course, is that I can’t give/tell my father to you. I write fiction. … And why should I speak at all? My books are for sale. I am not.”
And yet, fact or fiction, or maybe a curated blend of both, I am more than entertained. Hope that is an acceptable take.
More than anything, I appreciate your appreciation of his quirkiness. Not idol worship. Not man-bashing. Just funny insight to what I perceive as a big personality.
Couldn't people like helen be the face of pride
Us old school gayers aren’t really welcome any more…
I am sorry to that your parents passed so long ago, from what you describe of your dad you deserved many more years with him, and he with you. I say that because at 58 I have a daughter 22 who is taxing down the runway to soar away. As a dad, it's gratifying to know that all those times I needed to be law giver and not the friend have shaped a family that has many strengths.
Regarding the trend of women who deride the fathers as too dominating, my father is bellicose, indomitable, argumentative. And it made my sister all the stronger. His strong personality shaped her into someone who fears no stern rebuke. I think dads are too worried about "being harsh" and that prevents them from "tempering the steel" in their children. But in the end when your eagles soar, you know you have done your job.
https://culturalcourage.substack.com/p/the-day-a-dad-realizes-his-eagles
https://culturalcourage.substack.com/p/the-day-a-dad-realizes-his-eagles
Lovely reflection.
A very enjoyable piece. Funny, elegant, intelligent and honest.
Charming, a little melancholy, but appropriate. A closeted piece to be aired every now and then.
Thank you Helen for the stories, true or not or somewhere in between. They made me giggle.
My husband and his mates spent an entire party renaming his host's cattle dog from 'Tats' to 'Tits' in their misspent youth, and it apparently stuck so well that the dog spent the rest of its life called 'Tits'.
If a father doesn't teach his children to contend with the world as it is, not as we could wish it to be, the world as it is will and it will be rough. Your father might not have got ladders right, but he got the most important thing right.
This is a great comment, thank-you!
Indeed.
How delightful.
You and Borges. https://www.amherstlecture.org/perry2007/Borges%20and%20I.pdf
"A girlchild obsessed with cricket statistics who played chess and built scale models from Meccano was never going to be straight. "
You have lived your life, and there is nobody else as qualified as you to comment on your life.
Interestingly, though, the ones I knew tended to wind up bi (frequently) or straight, with nerdy boyfriends. In my experience getting into 'nerd' stuff was a pretty effective way for a less-cute girl to get a guy. So the transistor lesbian may now be vastly outnumbered by the gamer girl.
"In this, my experience repeated a pattern I’ve often seen, one where the gay kid’s opposite-sex parent is more accommodating. This is, I think, because a straight man understands what makes women attractive while a straight woman understands what makes men attractive. The same-sex parent, meanwhile, is baffled. My mother was upset about an absence of grandchildren; there were tears. My father told her there would be novels, or a cure for cancer, or bridges, or a gold medal."
I don't know if it's about attraction necessarily; a masculine girl or feminine boy will have more in common with their opposite-sex parent in many cases. Here in the USA there's a hardcore Christian contingent that I think requires men to fulfill the whole stereotype and expect their families to as well, and prevents supportive experiences like you had. Thus, while you have lots of gay men who love their moms, in the media you have lots of angry lesbians (and straight women!) who hate their dads. Also, there seems to be a lot of sexual abuse in the USA (why?), and in that case of course you may well wind up hating the opposite sex even if you don't have an ideology telling you you're supposed to.
Or maybe it's the general anti-intellectualism of the USA? Every artist seems to have resentment against their dad for not respecting their artistic ambitions (and honestly the arts are a terrible way to make a living).
I'm sorry for your loss. At least it sounds like you had some good times together.
“The problem, of course, is that I can’t give/tell my father to you. I write fiction. … And why should I speak at all? My books are for sale. I am not.”
And yet, fact or fiction, or maybe a curated blend of both, I am more than entertained. Hope that is an acceptable take.
More than anything, I appreciate your appreciation of his quirkiness. Not idol worship. Not man-bashing. Just funny insight to what I perceive as a big personality.
Thanks, Helen.
Thank-you!